The other day, I went to the pharmacy to pick up some drugs (legal ones). It's a little, tiny pharmacy like the ones you see in Law and Order sometimes. It's next to an art exhibit and a movie theater that is totally falling apart. I was walking down the street to my car and realized, holy shit. I live in New York. Sometimes I have those moments, where I realize where I am and what I'm doing. And in that moment, I am happy. I am content. I am found. It sounds sentimental, and I suppose it is, but I'm certain I'm where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what it is Albany has to teach me, something fabulous I'm sure.
I just finished reading a friend's blog. She has a little boy and another one on the way. She wrote a blog about how her son is starting the whole potty train adventure. Then I had one of those "I live on a different planet" moments. The type of moment where I don't wonder how my life would be if I had made different choices. I don't wish I could have a different life. And that brings me to the realization moment: I am where I am supposed to be. And I am happy.
I wish I could say that 'happy' in this instance meant jubilance or everlasting joy. I haven't found my calling yet, but it's somewhere and I'm on the right path. Today, happy means being in that moment, the clarity of the knowledge that flutters throughout my mind and my soul. In that moment, I am who I am supposed to be, who I dream of being. The manifestation of that moment, the certainty that I feel, is freeing and beautiful.
It is ironic that I find clarity in moments when I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't think it matters. Today, I'm sure. I'm sure that I'm supposed to be not just at law school, but at this law school, living in this apartment. And that's enough. Today, I'm right where I want to be, right where I need to be. And I'm happy.
Someone ask me during finals week if I still feel happy.... And bring me a bag of candy corn.