Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Life is not tried, it's just merely survived if you're standing outside the fire

Whew. It's been a crazy week. And it's only Tuesday. Oh law school, why must you be so cruel??!!?

I'm getting ridiculously excited for spring break. It'll be nice to have a whole week where I don't have to go to school. I'm really excited to see my sister. We are going to rock the hell out of New York. :)

So my visiting teachers came this Sunday. I know, shocker, I have visiting teachers; they're actually quite nice. Anyway, we were talking about the summer, and I told them I was going to Spain. They asked me if I was going with anyone. When I said no, they acted surprised and told me how brave they thought I was. I was flattered. However, having known myself for 25 years, I wouldn't use the word 'brave.' 'Oblivious' is perhaps a better term.

Of my many faults, I like that I do what I want. My decisions have little to do with what other people think I should do, and I like that. Is that weird? For those who know me well, (which is everyone reading this blog, I assume because why else would you read this shit?) you know that I have always valued my freedom and independence. A lot. It is one of the most important ideas to me, that I am me and no one can take that away. That is such a beautiful phrase, don't you think?

I love that I make my decisions based on me, not you. Nothing personal. I am often grateful that, for the most part, I have shrugged off the societal pressure that is sometimes pushed my way. To hell with that shit. I know people who try very hard to fit in; I also know people who spend most of their time trying to be different, from their peers, or their parents, whatever. I'm not trying to fit in or rebel. Which is good because I don't have the energy, time, or patience for all that shit. Seriously. I want to find my joy in my life, not in superficial things or fleeting emotions, things that don't last. Even though I will get my heart broken, I will be disappointed, I'm willing to take that risk. Ultimately, that's what life is, isn't it? It's not about never falling down; it's about learning how to get back up. And I love that. Except when I fall down. Then I love it a little less. But isn't it incredible to know that, even when you are at your lowest, you always have a choice to drag your ass out of the hole, to take another risk. Life is beautiful, dangerous, and I love it. Most of the time.

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